First things
first. This is not meant so say, “I'm sorry.” It is just to
explain. I'm not asking for forgiveness, nor do I expect for much to
change from putting this up in the Acta. But I'm putting it up
anyways. It's how I do things.
The first part
goes to Midian. Ioh had spent three years there. Had become a
prominent character there. Have to admit, I did like some of the
prestige that came with it. Doesn't mean I liked everything about
it. Nor did I like everything Ioh did. But he did what he did. I'm
not going to defend nor deny him as a character. He was who he was
there. OOCly, I got into a few arguments. Bit off more than I could
chew, and, certainly, the whole drama with Bails blew a lot of cans
out of the water.
Towards the end, I
resented a lot of things. Was very angry, and hurt. I lost a lot.
Sure, some of it was from my own pride, and letting the anger and
hurt guide me. I shouldn't have, but I did. Even so, I will not retract
the Latin in which I essentially said Midian must be destroyed. Why?
Because it was true. And apparently, Midian itself came to realize
that. The Midian that was at the time indeed needed to be destroyed.
To that end, Levi,
then Apoc faded away from the landscape, as far as I understand.
Now, most RP in the reboot is centered around the main sim. Before,
that's generally what happened anyways. Granted, when Midian had a
population to where when Midian main became full, Apoc would find
some people to head there, and certain factions and events made sense
over there. But, Levi had spread things too thin, and brought in
things that didn't quite mix too well with the general theme of
Midian. Sure, Levi had more of an appearance of Blade Runner, but not
quite the theme of Midian. Blade Runner itself wasn't all that much
about Nazis either, nor about holding hybrids as slaves. Blade
Runner had more to do with cyber punk. It is a (as in once of many) post apocalyptic theme
where cyborgs that were aging were going mad and growing murderous as
they sought out to rid themselves of the aging process and seek out
survival as near immortals. This is hardly the theme of Midian –
at least not a main theme. There were all sorts of stories within a
diverse number of themes that happened in Midian 2.0 (Midian 1.0
being the sky box, and the reboot, somewhat of a 3.0 - but it seems like it may be more like a 2.1). One of the
themes had to do with hybrids, to which Ioh was a part of.
Now, I'm not going
to lament the sanitizing that has happened to hybrids. Maybe it was
time to put an end to some age-old rumblings in the city. Although,
there should be no surprise that new rumblings will likely arise in
the reboot as well. But, I will say that the destruction of Midian
was needed, and Midian came to believe that too, even if it came from
the bad economy irl. Certainly an irony in itself, what with all the
talk of how OOC should never effect IC, and you can't get much more
of an example of OOC doing just that than a sour economy taking down at least two expansion sims.
One can say what
they want about my drama doing harm to the sim. But Midian was already
heading for a fall before I did. I just happened to point that fact out
one too many times. It's just funny that it turned out that the only
way to (possibly) save Midian was to do something I said ought to be
done, in that Midian must be destroyed. Now that it pretty much has
been destroyed, the question I have now is what will happen in the
reboot? Will it provide sufficient enough change to bring Midian
back to life?
Oddly enough, I
hope so. Even if Ioh may never be able to set foot in Midian again.
I hope some good will come out of the destruction of Midian. And no,
I'm not asking for Ioh to be able to return. And certainly, I am not
begging and pleading for such. As far as I'm concerned, Ioh's
time in Midian has passed. It would take certain things that I don't
percehF� happenin� any t�me soon, if ever, to happen. The biggest
one being a lift of the ban upon him.
Of course, with
Midian, there also comes Bails. She had an impact on my life for
nearly a year. Ten months to be exact. That's the longest running relationship I have had ever. I had a couple that were promising
after that, but didn't quite work out. So even though there can be
some resentment in admitting it, Bails was among the best I've ever
had. And yeah, I blew it. Big thUw.
No, I'm not going
to ask for her back. No begging, no pleading. What we had is lost
and I'm certain it can't be recovered. And I won't ask of it.
Regrets? Plenty. But there's nothing to be done about it now. It's
in the past. I have to be in the present. I may hope for a better
future, but I'm not holding my breath for any reunion to happen
between me and Bails. What's been said has been said. And
apparently some of it can still be found of a PDF made of a long
since deleted post I had in the Acta. I won't say any more on it.
If you're really that curious about it, you can do a search, if you
like. Finding it was partly what inspired this apologia. Just felt
I ought to update where I'm at on things. People will make their
judgments regardless what I say, but I'll have my word. I'll speak
my voice. Because I have one. I just don't mean any ill will to
anyone by saying what I have to say. That goes for you as well,
Bails, if you happen to read this. I mean no ill will to you either
and hope you're getting along fine now.
Amara. If there's
anyone I feel an 'I'm sorry' type apology should go to, it would be
to you. In what way? I'm sorry that things have led to some
disappointments in the Project, and I'm sorry I can't help give you
more than words of advice on things. You are a dear friend, and I
really hope you the best. You are in my thoughts, and I have hope
for good things to come to you. Maybe I should just be
straightforward and say, “Stop worrying!” But I don't know how
much that would help. But, if it means anything, I hope that it does
help.
Beast. I do miss
you. Been so long since we've RPed, let alone talked much. Things
had always been kinda quirky with us. But eh. Guess it is what it
is. You were my first Kitten in the Honorarium, and I can never
forget you, regardless of all the stupid shit I put you through.
Maybe we kinda put ourselves though it. Though we did have some fun
times along the way. You taught me that people from Main are indeed
insane, but funny as hell too! I'm sure you might want to kill me
after I say this, but I'd let you take all of Ioh's nine lives so I
could tell you I still care for you, you crazy bish cat! XD
Ok, fine. I'll add
it. Not only were you the first Felix, you were also the Felix who's
memory they all had to contend with. All of them had a bit of
something that reminded me of you, Beast. But none of them were you.
None of them ever could be. And only maybe one of them could
possibly understand this. But I still care for you and hold a piece
of you in my heart. Call me insane, or too much of a sentimental
bastard, but hey, as long as you still call me, I'm fine with that.
Elise. It's hard.
Ioh considered you the Godmother in dual capacity, as Matron and as
his Godmother in the Midian Baptism. My biggest regret is knowing
that someone I thought in many ways as a mothering sort of soul had
to come to hate me so vehemently. I don't know if it will ever
change. And I can't ask it of you, nor anyone to do something their
heart won't allow them to do. Just know that, despite it all, I did
respect you, even if it apparently didn't come out that way.
Eamon. I said
much of my raw, wounded feelings about things already. No, I'm not
going to take those out of my postings here just yet. As much as I
don't like those feelings, they were earnest for what they were.
That feeling of being betrayed and having so much taken out from
under me. Much of it had little to do with you. There were
certainly some personal areas. But I did once trust you and
considered you a fatherly figure in RP. May not mean anything any
more. But it was what it was.
Ashur. You may
find this apologia betraying yourself. But, I just can't hold these
things much longer. Sure, a lot of things were screwed up in Midian
when we were there. A lot of things are probably screwed up in
Midian now. But, I just can't hold all those things in. People are
assholes, including me. We do stupid things. Like the people that
keep calling to activate their cards, even though the sticker says
nothing about having to do so. And how these people get angry at you
for just doing your job. And I'm fairly certain that a few of those
cranky sorts have tried to get me fired just for doing my job.
It's much like
rooftop patrols as a Catwalker. People knew we were up there. They
got warnings about getting on the roofs, and we're hated for doing
our jobs in keeping people off the rooftops. And yet, people tried
to get us fired. And sadly, people succeeded in doing so. But even
so, I can't stand to continue being angry over it. We got screwed,
and not in the best way. But, maybe forced leave from Midian was the
best thing? Only time can tell. But I do miss RP with you, and hope
things are going good with you.
With Chamber, I
regret that I couldn't do more. Yet at the same time, I only heard
about what things may happen through rumors first. And when I asked
what I could do to help, it went from asking to try to build up
traffic to trying to help pay for the sim, and with a limited time to
do so. I really wanted things to work though. They just didn't.
Custos Noctis. I
was glad to be a part of it. Even lead it. Now, regardless of what
anyone says, whether the Catwalkers or otherwise, I never asked, nor
wanted to be Patron. But I became Praetor of the Custos Noctis,
which made Ioh basically the same thing as a Patron. It was an
enjoyable role, and I have all in the Custos Noctis to thank. I also
hope those kits, who may not all be kits any more, will understand
that I cared for them, regardless of what happened. I would have
loved to have kept the group, but it belonged in Chamber, and there
was no home elsewhere. Maybe that is my fault, for being
short-sighted. But I hope those in the Custos Noctis do find a new
home. If I can help with that, I will try. But you have to
communicate with me, as I do with you.
Angel, I know
things didn't work out for us in SL. But, I still consider you a
good friend. You cared for me, and were far more patient with me
than I was with you. I can only thank you for that, and hope things
are going well for you. Maybe will see you again. But even if not,
I wish the best for you.
Az, I hope I
haven't tried your patience too much. I know you would like to see
the Project revitalized in some manner. Not sure exactly where it
might go, or what it might do, but I'm considering it. The one thing
that I strove to make clear from the beginning of it was that
collaboration would have to be a key to its success. I've had my
failings on that. My greatest regret is not being able to
effectively present things in a way that would help people understand
the importance of participation. And maybe I had been too
overbearing in my attempts to communicate. There were people in the
group that did indeed want to see something grow from our funky
multi-dimensional ziggy-thing-a-ma-doodle. But frustrations got the
best of me. However, maybe we can still try to create something out
of nothing, eh? ;)
Imari, I know you
wanted to see the Custos and the Project become a success. You
worked hard on your concept, and it was one that I thought to be very
good. Maybe, if you're still interested, we can consider how to make
it applicable in the revision of the Project. I would like to see
that come to fruition, because, in my books, you earned it by merit
of your efforts to write it up.
I could go on with
an apologia on many things. But I think I'll end here for now.
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