Wednesday, September 14, 2011
First things first. This is not meant so say, “I'm sorry.” It is just to explain. I'm not asking for forgiveness, nor do I expect for much to change from putting this up in the Acta. But I'm putting it up anyways. It's how I do things.
The first part goes to Midian. Ioh had spent three years there. Had become a prominent character there. Have to admit, I did like some of the prestige that came with it. Doesn't mean I liked everything about it. Nor did I like everything Ioh did. But he did what he did. I'm not going to defend nor deny him as a character. He was who he was there. OOCly, I got into a few arguments. Bit off more than I could chew, and, certainly, the whole drama with Bails blew a lot of cans out of the water.
Towards the end, I resented a lot of things. Was very angry, and hurt. I lost a lot. Sure, some of it was from my own pride, and letting the anger and hurt guide me. I shouldn't have, but I did. Even so, I will not retract the Latin in which I essentially said Midian must be destroyed. Why? Because it was true. And apparently, Midian itself came to realize that. The Midian that was at the time indeed needed to be destroyed.
To that end, Levi, then Apoc faded away from the landscape, as far as I understand. Now, most RP in the reboot is centered around the main sim. Before, that's generally what happened anyways. Granted, when Midian had a population to where when Midian main became full, Apoc would find some people to head there, and certain factions and events made sense over there. But, Levi had spread things too thin, and brought in things that didn't quite mix too well with the general theme of Midian. Sure, Levi had more of an appearance of Blade Runner, but not quite the theme of Midian. Blade Runner itself wasn't all that much about Nazis either, nor about holding hybrids as slaves. Blade Runner had more to do with cyber punk. It is a (as in once of many) post apocalyptic theme where cyborgs that were aging were going mad and growing murderous as they sought out to rid themselves of the aging process and seek out survival as near immortals. This is hardly the theme of Midian – at least not a main theme. There were all sorts of stories within a diverse number of themes that happened in Midian 2.0 (Midian 1.0 being the sky box, and the reboot, somewhat of a 3.0 - but it seems like it may be more like a 2.1). One of the themes had to do with hybrids, to which Ioh was a part of.
Now, I'm not going to lament the sanitizing that has happened to hybrids. Maybe it was time to put an end to some age-old rumblings in the city. Although, there should be no surprise that new rumblings will likely arise in the reboot as well. But, I will say that the destruction of Midian was needed, and Midian came to believe that too, even if it came from the bad economy irl. Certainly an irony in itself, what with all the talk of how OOC should never effect IC, and you can't get much more of an example of OOC doing just that than a sour economy taking down at least two expansion sims.
One can say what they want about my drama doing harm to the sim. But Midian was already heading for a fall before I did. I just happened to point that fact out one too many times. It's just funny that it turned out that the only way to (possibly) save Midian was to do something I said ought to be done, in that Midian must be destroyed. Now that it pretty much has been destroyed, the question I have now is what will happen in the reboot? Will it provide sufficient enough change to bring Midian back to life?
Oddly enough, I hope so. Even if Ioh may never be able to set foot in Midian again. I hope some good will come out of the destruction of Midian. And no, I'm not asking for Ioh to be able to return. And certainly, I am not begging and pleading for such. As far as I'm concerned, Ioh's time in Midian has passed. It would take certain things that I don't percehF� happenin� any t�me soon, if ever, to happen. The biggest one being a lift of the ban upon him.
Of course, with Midian, there also comes Bails. She had an impact on my life for nearly a year. Ten months to be exact. That's the longest running relationship I have had ever. I had a couple that were promising after that, but didn't quite work out. So even though there can be some resentment in admitting it, Bails was among the best I've ever had. And yeah, I blew it. Big thUw.
No, I'm not going to ask for her back. No begging, no pleading. What we had is lost and I'm certain it can't be recovered. And I won't ask of it. Regrets? Plenty. But there's nothing to be done about it now. It's in the past. I have to be in the present. I may hope for a better future, but I'm not holding my breath for any reunion to happen between me and Bails. What's been said has been said. And apparently some of it can still be found of a PDF made of a long since deleted post I had in the Acta. I won't say any more on it. If you're really that curious about it, you can do a search, if you like. Finding it was partly what inspired this apologia. Just felt I ought to update where I'm at on things. People will make their judgments regardless what I say, but I'll have my word. I'll speak my voice. Because I have one. I just don't mean any ill will to anyone by saying what I have to say. That goes for you as well, Bails, if you happen to read this. I mean no ill will to you either and hope you're getting along fine now.
Amara. If there's anyone I feel an 'I'm sorry' type apology should go to, it would be to you. In what way? I'm sorry that things have led to some disappointments in the Project, and I'm sorry I can't help give you more than words of advice on things. You are a dear friend, and I really hope you the best. You are in my thoughts, and I have hope for good things to come to you. Maybe I should just be straightforward and say, “Stop worrying!” But I don't know how much that would help. But, if it means anything, I hope that it does help.
Beast. I do miss you. Been so long since we've RPed, let alone talked much. Things had always been kinda quirky with us. But eh. Guess it is what it is. You were my first Kitten in the Honorarium, and I can never forget you, regardless of all the stupid shit I put you through. Maybe we kinda put ourselves though it. Though we did have some fun times along the way. You taught me that people from Main are indeed insane, but funny as hell too! I'm sure you might want to kill me after I say this, but I'd let you take all of Ioh's nine lives so I could tell you I still care for you, you crazy bish cat! XD
Ok, fine. I'll add it. Not only were you the first Felix, you were also the Felix who's memory they all had to contend with. All of them had a bit of something that reminded me of you, Beast. But none of them were you. None of them ever could be. And only maybe one of them could possibly understand this. But I still care for you and hold a piece of you in my heart. Call me insane, or too much of a sentimental bastard, but hey, as long as you still call me, I'm fine with that.
Elise. It's hard. Ioh considered you the Godmother in dual capacity, as Matron and as his Godmother in the Midian Baptism. My biggest regret is knowing that someone I thought in many ways as a mothering sort of soul had to come to hate me so vehemently. I don't know if it will ever change. And I can't ask it of you, nor anyone to do something their heart won't allow them to do. Just know that, despite it all, I did respect you, even if it apparently didn't come out that way.
Eamon. I said much of my raw, wounded feelings about things already. No, I'm not going to take those out of my postings here just yet. As much as I don't like those feelings, they were earnest for what they were. That feeling of being betrayed and having so much taken out from under me. Much of it had little to do with you. There were certainly some personal areas. But I did once trust you and considered you a fatherly figure in RP. May not mean anything any more. But it was what it was.
Ashur. You may find this apologia betraying yourself. But, I just can't hold these things much longer. Sure, a lot of things were screwed up in Midian when we were there. A lot of things are probably screwed up in Midian now. But, I just can't hold all those things in. People are assholes, including me. We do stupid things. Like the people that keep calling to activate their cards, even though the sticker says nothing about having to do so. And how these people get angry at you for just doing your job. And I'm fairly certain that a few of those cranky sorts have tried to get me fired just for doing my job.
It's much like rooftop patrols as a Catwalker. People knew we were up there. They got warnings about getting on the roofs, and we're hated for doing our jobs in keeping people off the rooftops. And yet, people tried to get us fired. And sadly, people succeeded in doing so. But even so, I can't stand to continue being angry over it. We got screwed, and not in the best way. But, maybe forced leave from Midian was the best thing? Only time can tell. But I do miss RP with you, and hope things are going good with you.
With Chamber, I regret that I couldn't do more. Yet at the same time, I only heard about what things may happen through rumors first. And when I asked what I could do to help, it went from asking to try to build up traffic to trying to help pay for the sim, and with a limited time to do so. I really wanted things to work though. They just didn't.
Custos Noctis. I was glad to be a part of it. Even lead it. Now, regardless of what anyone says, whether the Catwalkers or otherwise, I never asked, nor wanted to be Patron. But I became Praetor of the Custos Noctis, which made Ioh basically the same thing as a Patron. It was an enjoyable role, and I have all in the Custos Noctis to thank. I also hope those kits, who may not all be kits any more, will understand that I cared for them, regardless of what happened. I would have loved to have kept the group, but it belonged in Chamber, and there was no home elsewhere. Maybe that is my fault, for being short-sighted. But I hope those in the Custos Noctis do find a new home. If I can help with that, I will try. But you have to communicate with me, as I do with you.
Angel, I know things didn't work out for us in SL. But, I still consider you a good friend. You cared for me, and were far more patient with me than I was with you. I can only thank you for that, and hope things are going well for you. Maybe will see you again. But even if not, I wish the best for you.
Az, I hope I haven't tried your patience too much. I know you would like to see the Project revitalized in some manner. Not sure exactly where it might go, or what it might do, but I'm considering it. The one thing that I strove to make clear from the beginning of it was that collaboration would have to be a key to its success. I've had my failings on that. My greatest regret is not being able to effectively present things in a way that would help people understand the importance of participation. And maybe I had been too overbearing in my attempts to communicate. There were people in the group that did indeed want to see something grow from our funky multi-dimensional ziggy-thing-a-ma-doodle. But frustrations got the best of me. However, maybe we can still try to create something out of nothing, eh? ;)
Imari, I know you wanted to see the Custos and the Project become a success. You worked hard on your concept, and it was one that I thought to be very good. Maybe, if you're still interested, we can consider how to make it applicable in the revision of the Project. I would like to see that come to fruition, because, in my books, you earned it by merit of your efforts to write it up.
I could go on with an apologia on many things. But I think I'll end here for now.