Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The Idea of Home

A friend on my FaceBook put this clip up:

I haven't seen Garden State before, but this scene kinda hits me.  Probably because of some crap I've been through lately.  Frustrations in certain things I've tried to do, and everything I worked on being just tossed.  And there is that sense of being there, but not really.  Like there was an idea, but it's getting lost.

The intro to the pool scene, where everyone but Largeman jumps in is kinda where I've been at.  Everyone's jumped into an idea, or made up their own world, their own pool, that largely is theirs.  And I'm looking at it, and while I'd once seen the idea, or thought I had ideas for how I could be in that pool, I can just see myself looking like some 'wet beaver.'  And I know how to swim just fine, thank you.

But to some extent, I did jump in, with encouragement of people I've considered friends.  Or at least one.  But I didn't lose that 'wet beaver' aspect, and wound up on one side of the pool away from everyone else.  Despite encouragement, even compliments, and told how wonderful my ideas were.  Nothing really has stuck.  Instead, pretty much everything has been thrown to the side, and I'm the one that's supposed to accept it all.  Pretty much, all I got is a damn sympathy vote keeping me anywhere in this pool.

I can't help but feel that any idea of home is gone.  Sure, I've rented, paid rent in this place, put up my ideas, tried to promote things.  And what do I get for it?  Told that I've got great ideas, but no, they're not usable.  They need to change.  'We' think, and yet, I get two separate views from those that are in this royal 'we' usage and dictator-like authoritarian crap I get on one end.  And yet there is the other that encourages me, tells me that I'm doing great things.  And I'm like, "Well which the fuck is it?!?!"

I feel like one side of this 'we' wants to send me out packing from town, while the other side wants me to be a part of things.  And I'm so damn confused and frustrated.  I don't know which side to believe.  I don't know if it even matters any more.  Because no matter how many times I'm told how wonderful I am, just as many times I'm told how horrible I am.  And this isn't even starting with my own damn mind in my own damn thick ass skull.

So I don't know what to do.  I'm writing in my journal this because it's at least better than trying to rant to individuals that I don't know if I should trust.  And I'm trying to keep this as general and ambiguous as possible, while still getting the bullshit out into something cohesive and constructive.  But one side may just continue to say that whatever I type is dung and hating me all the more.  At this point, anything I say will not change that.  So I'll say what I have to say here, because it is one place they can't play that authoritarian bullshit on me.  Because this is my blog, not theirs.  This is where I should be able to have my say, and not be told, "No, you're not doing what we want you to do!"

I hate that royal 'we' bullshit.  Or saying "We're all part of a team," when you really mean that you, the one using the 'we' is the lead bully that wants everyone to conform to your way of thinking.  Or to be all authoritarian about guidelines and try to micromanage a person to death.  I don't consider that wanting people to work as a team.  Not when every damn thing I've worked for has practically been thrown out the window.  It feels more like trying to throw me into place, and that place, from what it's looking, is not within the pool.  Nope, I wasn't wanted in the pool, in the first place is the message I'm getting.  Why should I join that sort of team?  A team I consider more of a dictatorship with me the unwanted minority.  Why say, 'Come be a part of the team!' when you really mean, 'Get the fuck out of Dodge!'?

The more things continue this way, the more I believe I don't belong in the pool. So maybe it's about time to just get out of the pool and find my own swimming hole elsewhere.