Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Falling Off The Face Of The Earth

People probably figured I fell off the face of the earth since I haven't been posting on here for a while.  I guess Ioh kinda did. I haven't logged him in for some time on SL, and honestly, I'm not sure what to do with him yet.  For some time, I was preoccupied on Luke, who was doing alright in one RP, until drama took all the fun out of it.  Add to that, a break up of a relationship that was likely doomed from the start, and disappointing another friend I was in a more stable RP relationship at the time, and yeah, Luke winds up lost and out of the RP scene as well.

I also tried picking up another RP with another character, but that kinda flopped too, in a different way.  By that time I was starting to get back into IMVU and, yep another RP relationship that was semi-stable, but not very fulfilling because I knew it couldn't go anywhere beyond IMVU because the other person was engaged to someone else in their real life.  But, I didn't mind it at first, since, to be honest, I was looking more for comfort than a 'real' relationship.  And for a time, I felt I had got what I was looking for. But then, I found someone else that, at the time, seemed more real.

So, again, I break from the more stable relation to pursue this 'real girl', and that was going great for about a month or so. Then, more recently, we started having a few troubles that may or may not have been blown out of proportion, but ultimately led to major drama when none was ever intended.  But what can I expect, despite all the 'I love you's between us, and caring for each other, she just really didn't want anything more than 'just friends'.

And I guess I should have realized that from the start, when we met in what basically is the equivalent in IMVU of a SL adult sim club/pub place.  We had a good time the first night, and I stayed with her and cuddled.  I hate to think of it this way, but that might have been my first mistake, because that was when I started having feelings for her and, I guess then too her for me.

It was a bit rocky at first.  I mean, there were wonderful times then.  We went places, we cuddled, we had fun and talked.  But, on the other hand, she kept to that Pub, claiming it was a friend's place and she felt obliged to look over it for him.  It was a room that she was a moderator for, and she claimed that her role there was to make sure nothing bad happened.  But, I'd see that she was in the room, and often it was with another guy there.  So I hop in, and the first things I hear are emotes of a guy groping her and about to have her way with her - yiffing.

Now the Pub is meant for yiffing, but, this is supposed to be a girl that not only likes me, but claims to care about me and wants to be more than friends.  And, we were beginning to say 'I love you' to each other. Yet, there she is, with this guy about to basically fuck her and I'm supposed to believe that I 'came in at the wrong time' and that she was about to stop him and boot the guy before I came in?  That somehow I was her hero to come in and give her an excuse to get the guy off her?  Yeah, right.  But I bought it, hook, line and sinker. Why? Because, at the time, I was in love! >.<

Of course, she also tried to ease the hurt by saying, 'It's only RP. When I was yiffing him, it didn't mean anything. I was just faking it.'  Of course, that would leave the assumption that, with me, it's 'real' or 'desired'.  But nope, eventually she confessed that at no time, despite even her moments of advances and instigating intimacy, she was faking it.  All she really wanted was cuddles. And that would be fine, except if one only wants cuddles, they shouldn't be yiffing other guys and faking it in the first place!  If you don't like it, don't really want to do it, then DON'T FUCKING DO IT!!!

I mean, hell, a prostitute or whore might fake it and not like doing it, but they at least get paid for doing it.  They don't tell you that they love you and pretend to like it in order to have a relationship with you, and then turn around and say, 'Let's just be friends!'  No, they are honest about what they want and don't waste their time with a John they don't really want.  But no, she waffled with that and kept tugging that 'I love you' or 'I care about you' while just leading me along.

But, anyways, the other aspect was issues of jealousy and trust, which are slightly valid, but not justified to continue this sort of relationship. I'd keep hopping into this Pub room and find her with other guys, and she'd either jump to be with me, or, if she liked the guy, she'd try to get a three way cuddle going.  I wasn't comfortable with this at all, but I went along with it because - yep, you guessed it, 'I was in love!' *shakes head*

It finally got too much when she'd have one of those guys with me on the three way cuddle pillow and the guy gropes her right in front of me while I'm right next to her.  I mean, the bastard wanted to finder her, and likely more, and she and him look at me and are like, 'what's wrong?' or 'what's the problem?' And I just want to shout, 'What's the problem? That guy is trying to fucking finger you and fuck you, and you're asking what's fucking wring?!'  Oh, but the place is a yiff joint, so I'm supposed to take that into consideration.  She hadn't yet told me she supposedly fakes fucking and doesn't really like to do it.  It sure as hell didn't seem like she didn't like it the way she carried on with this guy and let him do that shit.  And she has the gall to ask what the fuck's the matter?  Seriously?  The whole damn situation is what's the fuck the matter!  But no, I'm 'just jealous' and I should just go along with it because she's got lots of guy friends and I need to accept that.

BULLSHIT!  I don't have to accept that poor, lame excuse for why one would fake fuck when they supposedly don't like doing that.  I have many girl friends. Doesn't mean I fake fuck them.  Doesn't mean I let them grope me when I have a fucking girlfriend! Oh, but wait, I had a girlfriend then, an RP one that I didn't think cared much for me, but yeah, that's a lame excuse.  So is it lame to keep continuing on with this fake fuck female in a relationship with the excuse of 'but I was in love!'  Those four words are such a poisonous reasoning, but it sells in Hollywood and paperback romance novels.  But it just doesn't go anywhere in reality.  But in virtual reality where reality and false fantasies mix the most, this is the sort of romance that all of us in virtual spaces fall for, and maybe are addicted to.  But that's just rationalizing being a fool.

But, at least in the Pub, the fake fucking came to an end.  I guess she considered us more serious at the time.  And maybe we were.  She started her own PG room, so no yiffing might potentially happen.  Just cuddles, if one were to take the room at face value.  The problem is that with IMVU, you can be in PC, or Private Chat with virtually anyone.  I 'could' take at face value that her being in a cuddle with some other guy in the room is just her being nice to a friend, and just wanting to comfort that friend.  And if mention is to them being in PC, or the indicators of taking a long time to say something, or otherwise being distracted by something, I should just take it at face value that they are 'just talking'.  I'm not supposed to believe that she's not possibly in that PC doing what she used to do at the Pub, the things I actually caught her doing, which doesn't take into consideration what she may or may not have been doing while I was away, working on rl issues, struggling myself with real problems, which I thought she cared about, because she claimed she loved me.  But apparently not enough.

Funny thing is, what started the end was one night after intimacy, to which it seemed she fell asleep during, and to which I texted her good night and went to sleep, still in the private room with her, mind you. Still cuddled up with her and holding her in my arms. And I even said, 'I love you' and kissed her good night.  But, I crash overnight. My phone was silent and not in the room I was sleeping in. And she texted me several times, I guess frantic to know where I was.  In the morning, I finally get the texts, and message her that I'm sorry, but I crashed and didn't notice until I woke up, and that I'd be on later that night.

So I get back on later that night, our couple pic out of her profile pic and puts one up of some angsty demoness girly all emo, hugging her knees and all sob story looking.  Where I once was on her list of friends, and having a heart next to my name, she took that out.  Where she once had her tag line claiming to love me, she put up, 'Love is a joke, and your heart the punchline.'  All that because I went to sleep and my internet crashed.  That broke her down and was the absolute worst thing that could happen to her - I hurt her.  Yep, I'm this horrible monster that hurt her because I went to sleep and *OMG!!!* my internet crashed.  The whole world of our loving relationship crashes down and comes to an end because of that.

I find this tragically funny now (not a lol funny, the odd, WTF?! ironic type), because she's fallen asleep on me, and she's crashed while we had laid idle cuddled together, and I thought nothing of it.  After all, if she legitimately crashed or fell asleep, she wasn't fake fucking or cuddling with some guy - unless I happen to have found her in the Pub or her room with some guy with his arms wrapped around her, which I did, TWICE!  But no, if I dare make mention of it, I'm just a jealous asshole. But if I fall asleep ONCE, if I crash and go offline ONCE, it's the end of the fucking world!

So please, would some rational person tell me, am I insane to feel jealous after all this? I already understand I'm insane for continuing in this toxic relationship with an immature girl that, although she claimed to care for me, did so many fucked up actions that, I think, any sane person would realize are fucked up and move on.  That is, unless they were like me, and still held the 'but I was in love!' banner.

And yep, we talked, and for one night, I foolishly brought her back in my arms, wanting to love her.  She said then that, despite my end of the world 'hurting' her, bringing her to tears and tremors, that she still wants me. I should be flattered with that right?  Well, the fool that I am, I was!  So, we come to peace that night, only have it all fall to pieces the next day.

But, we'll back up.  First, I find her again in her room with a guy holding her and all snuggled up. And finally, instead of just closing out the room, I finally come unglued and snap at her for being in that guy's arms, telling her how that guy's my fucking replacement, and she knows it.  And why shouldn't I believe otherwise?  She'd been with that guy in her room for several days, for several long hours, and that bastard was ALL OVER HER!  He's her Mr. White Knight in shining armor, her defender from terrible tyrannical me.Me, who's worst crimes were being 'too jealous' about seeing her nearly getting fucked and groped by other men, and one time going to sleep and having my internet crash while idling with her.  Yep, I'm the evil villain here.

We had made peace that night, though. Because, yep, you guessed it, 'I was in love!'  Funny is, all during our peace making, she was still in her room with Mr. White Knight.  I go into her room the next day, she's cuddling another guy.  This time, from all the potential indicators that seem reasonable to believe, this guy was having real problems and needed a friend to cuddle.  So, that, I merited with her 'big heart'. Such a wonderful friend she is. That is, to everyone but me, who she once said 'I love you' to.

A little later, sad friend went off to be alone. A little after that, fictional father comes into the room and decides to take matters into his own hands, telling me to leave this girl, because I've 'hurt' her. I've hurt her soooo badly from that one night of falling asleep and having my network crash ONCE. I'm such an evil creature because of that, I must break up with her.  Now, in hind sight, he's right. I should have, if I were a reasonable, sane person, have broken up with her that night that I first caught her about to get fake fucked by a guy she claimed not to care about, and almost had me, the guy she claimed to care about just watch, because it's her job to make everyone happy.  Everyone but me, apparently. The one she claimed to love and care about.  My feelings were nothing compared to strangers and everyone else that were her friends.  I was just that guy she said 'I love you' to.  I didn't matter.  Only if I'm jealous of the bullshit she put me through (and yes, I'm at fault for continuing to go through it), and if I dare to fall asleep on her or if my connection does the ultimate and dies on me, I'm the evil asshole that 'hurt' her.  Never mind all the damn fucking times she's hurt me, and I tried to fight it all back because of that foolish excuse of being in love. Nope, I'm the evil bastard.

So, after my connection goes out, which seems to have a wonderful way of disconnecting at the worst of times to do so, I go to the coffee shop to see about making amends because..., yep, you guessed it, 'I was in love!'  But I go into her room, and Mr White Knight's already threatening to flag me for 'harassment', despite that this girl asked me to come back to talk.  She was still AFK, so couldn't say anything.  And Deputy Dipstick keeps ranting about how she doesn't care for me and wants me to leave.  He then gets all creeper and hugs up cuddly with her, obviously trying to grate at my last nerves and get me jealous.

For such actions, you'd expect for my love to come to my side and defend me against such angry and unfounded attacks, but no.  She just excuses him as being concerned about her and wanting to protect her.  Of course.  Because he's the fucking one that wants to REPLACE ME!  But my love never got it through her thick skull. And finally, after arguing for a few hours, she just goes to 'let's just be friends!'

FUCK THAT!  All her friends hate me now.  How can I be a friend in that scenario.  I can't be in the same room with her because her friends will just drop in and try to start fights with me.  Mr. White Knight will want to be there to cuddle up to her and try to make me jealous.  And even if we tried to go somewhere else, she'll still want to be with all those friends that hate me.  Despite saying she doesn't like crying in front of her friends, she'll run to them and get her little pity party pose together and let them tell her what an evil bastard I am if I dare 'hurt' her again.  Fuck that, I'm not in love any more.  So I finally did the smart thing and left her.  Yes, I probably should have done it sooner, but finally, I'm free from the insanity of that fucked up love.

And that's all for the drama that has been my virtual life since I fell off the face of the earth. :p

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